i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
