The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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