There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
