How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
