he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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