I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
