woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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