Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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