So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
