I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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