The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
