you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
