ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
