You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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