We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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