She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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