I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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