i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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