who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
