So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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