my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
