be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
now i know why i became what i already was.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
