I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
