I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
