Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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