Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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