Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
