Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
