If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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