then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
