Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
