Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
