Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
