Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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