I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
