Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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