I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
