If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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