After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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