Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
