it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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