he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
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the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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