Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
