I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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