the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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