the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
