dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
