Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Will exercising make me less horny?
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