Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
