oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
