Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
