thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
