Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
