thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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