Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
