we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
