I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
